Monday, April 23, 2012

Hulga, Red Lentil Curry and "Fur Elise"

This is my artist doll. I named her Hulga.

I went through a good bit of pondering as to whether I would write about my breast cancer diagnosis on my blog.

My blog has been defunct for several months because I often felt that I was being self-indulgent to write so personally about my issues.

I have decided to go ahead and let it all out anyway. Maybe I am self-absorbed, but I do know that writing helps me put things into perspective. It provides a recorded history for me, so that often I am able to look back on my words and understand myself better.

I am my own best friend. I trust myself most. I have lived more years than I now have left to live. Ever since I was a young girl, it has been important for me to express my feelings. Some people have said that I am brutally honest, and sometimes I have felt as though I must defend that.
But now I realize that this is my life- my only life as Paula- and I will write because I owe it to myself.

As the surgery grows nearer, my anxiety has increased. For the past two day my body has been broken out in a hot rash that is under my arms, on my upper legs and on my right ears. I know the rash comes from being nervous. I have experienced nervous rashes since I was a kid.

I have always been hypersensitive and hypervigilant . I work at tempering these qualities by spending much quiet time alone, exercising, making art and writing. But during times of high anxiety these activities help only some.  My skin breaks out. Crying helps to release some of the anxiety.

I put a call into the doctor to see if taking a steroid pack for my rash would be dangerous before my surgery on Wednesday. I am awaiting a call back.

People have often told me how strong I am. To be honest, I am not sure what they mean when they say that. At this point in my life I am trying to drop my need to have all things lined up and in control, because  I know that there is very little I can control except how I think about things, and that, itself, is a major challenge. Right now I don't feel strong. I am just a woman doing what she must under the circumstances.

We all have these weird little qualities. One of mine is that I was born anxious- highly so. The tendency to be anxious does have a genetic basis. All of my life I have admired those people who do so well at taking things in stride. I have learned much from them. But I have more to learn.

But basically we must learn to accept ourselves with all of our flaws. I have grown weary of fighting myself. I am who I am, and I make no apologies anymore.

Today I am going to make red lentil curry a very easy and delicious recipe I found online, and squash and
northern bean soup. Cooking is a meditation.

Here is one of the loveliest pieces of music ever:


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