Sunday, June 9, 2013

"Put Your Lights On"

I know that one huge blessing I have is that I have many very good friends. 

For most of my life I did this thing where when I would run in to a person who I had been around only a few times I would reintroduce myself because I figured they would not remember me. I thought that I was that insignificant. Usually, that person would reply, "Of course, I know who you are, Paula."A jab of surprise would register inside my heart.

It was me who did not know who I was.

My dear friend who died in February was that way too. She did not see her incredibleness.
My mother was that way, and so was my grandmother. And as a school teacher I would often marvel at  the low self-esteem that my funny, bright, talented and lovable students carried inside of themselves.

I think the saddest thing is that so many of us do not  love ourselves. We go through life thinking that there is something we must yet do to make the mark. When all we had to do was just be us.
I mean really be who we are and allow that to shine.

I have been crying a lot over the past week. My tears are not only tears of sadness but tears of such huge gratitude for the love I have known in my life. And for the gratitude that I am finally beginning to take care of myself and to honor myself as a lovable person.

It used to surprise me when I realized that someone liked me.  My tears also flow for the young and very insecure woman I was in my twenties and thirties and even my forties. I tried so hard to do it all right.

I have been having a very hard time over the past couple of years. The ground on which on depended has shifted dramatically, and I see open holes in many places. It is my challenge to fill those holes with