Today is the first day in weeks that I have not awoken with a feeling of terror coursing through my body.
I do best when I can lay something out, so that I can analyze its components.
Several days ago I attempted to put my experience of fear into words.
My fear manifests as physical sensation. I experience a fluttering in the area from the top of my sternum to below my breasts.
I can actually see this fluttering; it looks like petals shaking in a strong wind. From underneath my breasts into my stomach I experience a wide open stirred-up sensation. It appears to be boundless and lonely.
On Sunday I started breaking out in hives. By yesterday morning I had bright red welts under my arms, on my neck,on my ears lobes and between my thighs. NERVES-plain old nerves. I could not take anything for them due to the upcoming surgery. Since my diagnosis I have tried hard to keep myself busy and calm, but obviously my innards knew how tense I was ergo the hives.
I went through the surgery just fine. I awoke five minutes after being wheeled into the recovery room, and I asked for two things: my husband and a cup of black tea. Surprisingly, I was very lucid. I knew where I was, and I wanted the report from the surgeon.
No cancer was found in the lymph nodes. The tumor is somewhere around one centimeter. The extra breast tissue that was removed that surrounded the tumor was clear of cancer.
I am going to work hard on my head to believe that the final pathology report which I will get in one week does not show anything different. I am also going to have the tissue slides sent to John Hopkins for a second reading.
The hives are subsiding thanks to the prednisone that the surgeon prescribed. Today I rejoice in that fact that for the next six days I do not have to go into a medical facility.
Today I plan to work more on the painting I started two weeks ago. Splashing color on a piece of paper lightens my spirit. I never have a plan in my head when I start out to paint. I just let the brush go where it wants . Usually I paint to music; sometimes not.
Color and music are just about the best things I know.