Control vs. Letting Go

what I know about myself is that the farther away I get from my truth the more obsessed I become with trying to control the small stuff- the stuff that shouldn't matter- the stuff they say you won't remember when you are dying- the stuff that we do to keep us from really facing the important stuff

I was always messy. I started one project before putting away the materials of another. I draped my clothes over chairs and beds. I slept in a bed with kitty fur, cookie crumbs and piles of papers.

i was okay with this until one day when i got the idea that external order trumped all else.
Staying busy straightening and cleaning is a way that I have avoided answering the questions that need to be answered.
Stay busy with repetitive chores is a way that I have kept myself in sort of a anesthetized state. repetitive chores give me an artificial sense of rightness about the way in which I am living my life.
And even as I participate in them the truer part of me knows that I am not getting away with anything. All I am doing is filling up time and space, so that I do not have to deal with what writer Suzaane Braun Levine calls "the fertile void"

I have lived a long time. I had a thirty-four year long career. When I left teaching, at first I felt as though I was a kid with a pockerful of nickels in a candy store.