I just wanna live my life without asking for help. I don't think that we realize what a prize independence is until we don't have it.

I busted up my ankle this time. I lay on the floor surrounded by my dear friends. We were having a singalong after our dinner party.

I have spent a good deal of time creating singalong books filled with the lyrics to the songs that make me feel alive, happy, silly and joyous. I created a playlist of the songs to go the lyrics.

And why did I do this. It started after a big loss in which my heart got broken bad.

with

I have long known that the land of music is one of the highest places for me to be. It can lift my mood faster than anything. So a couple of years back I started the singalong project.

So we are all sitting around singing to Tom Petty's "Refugee", The Beatles "Rocky Racoon" and then "Do You Love Me" by the DC5 comes on. No, it is not enough for me to simply sing. I find that I must get up and move. Yeah, baby, this chick must move. Sittin' still to "Refugee" was bad enough.

So I am cruising along in my bare feet, and when the song gets to that part where Dave shouts out "Watch me now". Well, now I just have to jump up for effect, but instead of landing flat on my feet my ole knee - well, it buckles out from under me, and I try to do a save with my foot.

Long story short. That save did not work. Next thing I know I am lying on my floor with my friends looking down at me. My ankle is twisted out in the most unnatural formation. The pain is hot, but the deepest pain is in my head. I know there is something really bad with my leg again.

• I fight going to the ER. I wanna lie on the floor and wait to get bett
• er and get up and dance
• e some more, but I allow myself to be taken to the hospital.

Report: FINDINGS: There is a comminuted fracture of the distal fibula at the level of the tibiofibular syndesmosis. There is a lateral displacement of approximately 7 mm.

A comminuted fracture of the medial malleolus is noted, also with mild lateral displacement. Periarticular soft tissue swelling is noted. The bones appear diffusely demineralized.

Translation: two bones that meet where my ankles begins are broken in to small pieces. The bones have been moved out of place. I will require surgery which will include the place of a stainless steel plate and several screws to hold my bones together. I will not walk for three or four months.

Wait. I just did this. A car accident broke my tibia and kneecap. I escaped surgery, but I was bound to a wheelchair for ten weeks.

I have a five week interlude of living normal which meant driving, going shopping by myself, pushing the vacuum cleaner, walking to the refrigerator and opening it and using the restroom without gearing myself up for the painful movement that getting from point A to point B requires.

This is happening all over again. There have been many nights of fitful dreams. Mostly recently I dreamt of a sea of blood. In the weeks before this new nightmare I have had dreams that always involve a frightening physical struggle in which to find safety involves fast movements and quick thinking.

Oh, no, all that is replaying itself. I cannot move fast and my thinking is clouded with fear, fatigue and pain.

I am a woman in need, and it terrifies me.